Rethink Consistency - Your Permission to Pivot
In this heartfelt episode, Cat and Irene unpack what it really means to be "consistent" as parent leaders juggling work, family, and everything in between. They explore how flexibility, alignment with personal values, and redefining success can free us from guilt and pressure when life doesn’t follow the plan.
00:00 - Welcome Back + Real-Life Interruptions
Cat and Irene check in after a few weeks away, setting the stage for a conversation about the realities of showing up inconsistently.
03:50 - Redefining Performance and Consistency
Cat shares how her definition of consistency has evolved from rigid performance to values-based alignment.
08:22 - Life Gets in the Way (and That’s Okay)
Cat recounts a whirlwind of family events and how they shifted her focus, raising questions around guilt and presence.
13:05 - Values-Based Consistency vs. Habit Tracking
Discussion around showing up for your values rather than checking boxes. Consistency isn't frequency—it's alignment.
18:40 - The Generational Pressure on Modern Women
Irene reflects on the expectations placed on women to be high achievers while being primary caregivers.
21:58 - Embracing Flexibility Without Feeling Flaky
Why adaptability should be celebrated—not seen as failure—and how being flexible helps navigate real life.
28:45 - Every “No” is a “Yes” to Something Else
Cat shares a mindset shift that changed how she sees boundaries and declining commitments.
35:55 - Living for Yourself vs. Living for Others
A deep dive into how guilt and productivity are often tied to internalized expectations, especially from childhood.
42:30 - Celebrate the Comeback, Not the Absence
Why returning to something after a break is a success in itself—and how guilt often masks misaligned priorities.
47:50 - Gentle Parenting, Accountability & Boundaries
Cat discusses parenting from a millennial lens, balancing empathy and expectations with kids.
56:20 - Generational Shifts in Parenting and Self-Worth
Reflections on how modern parenting prioritizes connection while still holding space for structure and standards.
01:04:15 - Final Takeaway: Alignment > Frequency
Cat wraps with a powerful reminder: it’s not about how often you show up, but whether your actions align with who you want to be.
Reflect on where your guilt around inconsistency comes from—is it truly yours, or inherited expectations?
Reframe success from "how often" to "how aligned" you are with your values.
Celebrate flexibility as a strength, not a weakness.
Consider what you're saying yes to every time you say no.
Share this episode with a friend who might be stuck in the “I have to do it all” mindset.
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Transcript
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Welcome to The Coach
Is In, the podcast for parent leaders
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:who are juggling work, family, and life,
and wondering if there's actually a
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:way to do it all without falling apart.
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:I'm Cat, a coach, lawyer, and
mom who's been there navigating
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:the tightrope of leadership at
home and at work and figuring out
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:what's actually worth the energy.
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:And
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:Irene Uy: I'm Irene, a leadership coach
on a mission to bridge generational
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:gaps and bring fresh perspectives to
the challenges parent leaders face.
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:If you're skeptical, let balance,
calm or boundaries are even possible.
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:We get it.
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:We're not here for quick
fixes or empty advice.
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:We're here to have honest conversations,
share practical tools, and maybe even help
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:you see things differently because the
coach is in and this space is for you.
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:Welcome back everyone.
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:Welcome back, Cat.
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:It's been a few, couple of weeks since
we have met, you know, things get in
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:the way and we try to show up as much as
we can, but we get right back into it.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Exactly, and
I think that's a, you know, well,
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:I'd, I'd love to hear how your
overall, how your past couple of
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:weeks have gone, but this idea of.
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:Showing up when we can and not getting
our, being too hard on ourselves for,
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:uh, whether or not there's, uh, perceived
consistency is one of the things I
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:wanna talk about a little later today.
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:But before we jump into that, how
have the past few weeks been for you?
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:I,
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:Irene Uy: I And you were sick
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: at
one point and all that.
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:Yeah.
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:Irene Uy: I, I love that you,
um, this is like what, what we're
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:gonna be talking about today.
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:Because I feel like when I was, um, a
much younger version of myself, like
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:obviously my dog's doing a cameo,
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:um, yeah.
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:When I was much younger, my
idea of, um, performance and
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:consistency, it was very rigid.
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:Um, and so when you're,
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:When you have a little bit of experience
under your belt, yes, performance is still
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:important, but you come when you, but
you look at it, um, through a different
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:lens and it's no longer so rigid.
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:Yeah.
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:Life gets in the way.
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:Um, you get sick.
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:Uh.
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:Personal life comes in the way and, you
know, you sort of reprioritize, uh, what's
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:important to you and somehow, um, your
productivity or performance, um, matters.
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:But it, it's kind of fits, um,
somewhere in the bigger picture.
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:And that's part of the journey
that, um, of discovery.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yes.
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:You
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:Irene Uy: had
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:what your week's been up to?
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Well, uh, so.
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:We are recording on June 6th, and
my younger daughter and is in eighth
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:grade or just graduated, so the last.
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:I'm trying to think of it, the last
four weeks, three weeks I feel like
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:with every, every other day there was
something, so she was confirmed and
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:there was confirmation rehearsal and
then the confirmation celebration and
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:then, uh, she had a dance competition.
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:And then my older daughter was
also trying out for cheerleading
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:at her school and had exams.
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:So, but in the last three
weeks, it feels like.
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:There was a confluence of so
many things to manage both
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:logistically and emotionally.
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:Like, you know when you have people
that you love who are around you and
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:you live with them, it's impossible
to escape the energy and to.
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:You know, not feel the ups and downs
that they may be grappling with.
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:And that was definitely the case for us.
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:You know, I had out of town guests and
I had to arrange, you know, to-dos,
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:and it just felt like all of my.
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:Energy, maybe 80% of it was suddenly
kind of pulled in from all these
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:different places where I might
ordinarily focus if it was more
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:routine and was dedicated towards the
events of the last three weeks or so.
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:So yeah, it's been a exciting and
super rewarding, uh, busy, high
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:energy, high emotion, uh, few
weeks, but I'm on the tail end of
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:it now and I think that's why I am.
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:Thinking about this topic of inconsistency
is, uh, yeah, I, I wasn't able to show up.
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:With the regularity for certain things
that I'm able to show up for, you
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:know, when things aren't quite so
one-off different when there aren't
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:these big life events or interruptions.
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:And I, I was starting to just be curious
and think about like, why do I have like
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:this odd feeling that this is, I should
feel bad about this and would I have
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:felt about bad about this in the past?
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:And, you know, let's explore those
feelings and unpack that a bit.
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:Irene Uy: I thank you for sharing that.
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:Um, so just, uh, for the audience also
to know, like, uh, Cat and I started the
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:Coach is in podcasts as a passion project.
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:So as much as we want to show up in this
space, we also recognize that, you know,
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:we have, um, our own, our, our lives and
other responsibilities to show up in.
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:And so the way that we have approached,
um, the coaches in podcasts is to
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:show up authentically in a way that's.
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:Sustains us.
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:So we didn't really wanna put too much
pressure by having this regularity of
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:cadence to show up, um, because we wanna
show up and be present for everyone and
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:deliver, um, the kind of value that we
hope, that, um, is useful for everyone
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:in creating this safe space where we
can all share honest conversations.
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:Yeah.
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:So.
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:Yeah, Cat, what you just shared,
um, um, it really highlights the
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:mul multitude of hats that a mother
has to wear, especially I, I would
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:say that an empath like you, right?
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:You just, um, receive
everyone's energies tenfold.
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:Um, say if, um.
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:Compared to other people who might not be
as, um, sensitive to, uh, how, how other
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:people are feeling or, or their energies.
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:So, you know, um, that, um,
role in mind as well as, um,
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:the type A achiever in mm-hmm.
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:How do you redefine, um, consistency
in a way that works for you
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:with, um, given this context?
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah, that's,
that's a great question and that's kind
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:of a starting point I think for anybody
that might be juggling at all, trying
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:to keep all these plates spinning.
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:Um, was looking at consistency,
not as how often you.
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:Show up for things or how, how closely
your life in one at, at a part particular
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:moment in time aligns with ideal routines,
but really thinking about your values
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:and it instead of, oh, I'm showing up
three times a week for x, y, z, like
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:coaching podcast or, uh, my fitness goals.
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:It can also mean like.
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:I'm showing up for like the support
of my family, which is a real big
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:value of mine, is kind of family and
community and friends and, you know,
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:am I showing up regularly for that?
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:Is this an embodiment, this,
this interruption, if you will,
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:of my routines, quote unquote.
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:Like, is this an embodiment
or a consistency of values?
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:So shifting the focus,
not necessarily on like.
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:A checking off boxes on a calendar or
a habit tracker, which I'm guilty of.
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:I, I have both.
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:Um, but looking instead at, uh, is this
something that's in alignment and I'm
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:like a consistency in my values and
that, that really helped me kind of.
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:Take a, take a step back and look
at the bigger picture of this is.
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:Sure, like I'm not, I don't have all
seven, uh, dots on my habit tracker
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:filled in, but looking more at the
picture of, you know, less granularity
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:and more, how am I, who am I embodying
and who am I showing up as and as opposed
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:to what am I doing that, that helped
shift my perspective a little bit.
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:Irene Uy: Hmm.
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:There seems to be, um, we seem to think
about this in, um, black and white kind
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:of thing when it doesn't have to be.
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:'cause I feel like, um, our identity
as achiever or like, at least in our
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:generation, I feel like there has
been an uptick of, or the values that
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:were taught to me were that, um, women
should be empowered, women should have a
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:career as opposed to, I guess say in the
previous generation, um, they were not as
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:expected to, um, have their own career.
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:Right.
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:They were expected to be
stay at home mothers to
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: hmmm
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:Irene Uy: primary caregivers
for, um, their dependents.
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:Um, so I feel like, uh, for our
generation there has been a lot more
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:pressure and a lot more expectation in
different, um, in the different roles
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:that, um, we're now expected to carry.
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:And so with, um, with that, I feel
like, and tell me if, um, I'm wrong,
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:like I feel like a lot of, um, women.
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:Uh, people who identify as women with
these rules now are like split into
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:these different values of like, well,
I have to be type A and I have to
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:follow this to-do list and like my
plan because how am I gonna get to my
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:goals if I don't have like an set a,
b, c of like lists of things to do.
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:And on the other hand, um, there
are just, life pulls you into
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:different directions, right?
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:I mean, and that's oftentimes unplanned.
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:So that flexibility, um, uh.
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:How do you say this?
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:So I guess the, the, the question is how
do we take, um, find a balance there?
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah, yeah.
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:Well I think you, you used the word
flexibility, and I think that's really
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:key here as well is when we're, when
we're thinking about those type a kind
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:of hustle mentality, uh, uh, aspects of
kind of goal setting and, and what women
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:may feel we have the obligation to, um.
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:You take on, there's, there's often
that, like you said, black and
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:white, all or nothing mentality.
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:Like if I'm not always at a hundred
percent or going at 110% in all of
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:these arenas, then maybe I am not, I.
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:Uh, showing up the way I should be,
or maybe I'm not, maybe I'm failing.
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:And I think something that we've, you
know, our culture generally, especially
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:with a little, a slightly stronger focus
on mental health ever since COVID, but
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:I do think that flexibility is, is key.
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:Like we, we should start
prioritizing flexibility and
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:pivoting and, um, like kind of.
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:Reimagining and, and taking
different texts towards an approach.
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:Uh, more just as much as the idea of
kind of showing up with consistency.
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:You know, the, when I think
about life and progress, I.
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:It's tempting to think of it as
like a straight diagonal line that's
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:going upwards from the lower left
hand, the side of the screen to the
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:upper right hand side of the screen.
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:Right?
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:But realistically, it's a little more
like maybe a staircase where you might
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:have this jolt of progress and then you.
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:Flatline for a bit because of
some life interruption or maybe
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:even it's just a need for rest.
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:And giving yourself that flexibility to
take those pauses or acknowledge that
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:there are one-off things that might
come up is human and it's important and
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:it's, it's something that we as, as.
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:People that wear multiple
hats, we have to embrace.
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:So like I love that you touched on this
idea that, you know, being flexible
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:is imperative to the idea of taking
on all of these different roles.
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:Um, it's not flaky.
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:I think that sometimes we think, oh, if
I don't, if I decide not to go to the
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:gym today, or if I decide to put off, um.
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:You know, this volunteer opportunity
that I said I was gonna start
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:today, that I'm somehow a flake.
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:It's like, maybe, maybe not.
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:Maybe, maybe again, you're
prioritizing that something else
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:that's aligned with your values.
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:Maybe you're accommodating for a
one-off, whether that's, um, illness
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:or family in town, or, um, showing
up for a friend who's going through
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:a really rough time that you had no
idea would pop up in that moment.
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:So really thinking about.
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:Kind of alignment with those
values as opposed to frequency and
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:being flexible in that approach.
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:Irene Uy: It sounds like what you're
talking about is, um, saying no to
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:things so that you can make room for
meaningful, for more meaningful yeses.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm.
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:Yeah, I mean, I remember I feel
maybe five or six years ago hearing
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:that phrase, like saying every
no is a yes to something else.
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:And it was so empowering because as
someone that has trouble saying, used to
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:have trouble, more trouble, I still have
trouble sometimes, but, you know, had a
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:lot of trouble saying no to invitations or
saying no to asks, um, to help, uh, that.
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:I, I, I, I always felt bad about
saying no and setting that boundary.
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:When I heard like, oh, yeah,
saying no is saying yes, actually
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:saying yes to something else, it
gave me that little bit of a, huh?
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:Like, you're absolutely right.
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:Like, what is, what, what
benefit am I actually gaining
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:from, from redefining this?
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:From, instead of looking at it as
something bad, what's the actual
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:positive out of the situation?
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:So yeah, I think that, um,
reminding yourself that.
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:Every No is a yes to something else.
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:Every, every time.
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:You don't, you, you lack,
quote unquote, consistency.
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:What is it that you're saying yes to?
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:It might take some soul searching, some
deep digging, but there's, there's a lot
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:of truth and insight to be gained there.
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:Hmm.
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:You know, especially at, at
these times in life, when.
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:There's never gonna be an eighth
grade graduation for my daughter.
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:You know, there's never going
to be another, uh, cheerleading
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:freshman year tryout.
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:You know, there's just these
big moments that are one-offs,
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:and I would hate to lose those
meaningful bonding times with them.
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:Those, those moments that matter to,
um, like, because I'm a slave to habit.
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:Irene Uy: Hmm.
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:Yeah.
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:So I, I think at the, at the
center of this, um, really is an
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:understanding of, uh, who you are
and what you value in the moment.
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:Because I think you're introducing
here an element of time, right?
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:Like, I remember when I was, uh, younger,
I was asking my mom, so how did you, um.
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:Decide to have kids.
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:Because the question beneath, uh, behind
that was that like, I mean, you're
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:definitely going to have to sacrifice
time from your career, uh, in order to,
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:um, take uh, a, make a big life decision
of like bringing kids into this world.
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:'cause it's definitely going
to change your life, right.
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:In more ways than one.
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:And so I was asking her like, well,
how did you decide to have kids?
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:And she was like.
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:It's not a hard decision.
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:Um, and you know, you'll understand when
you get there, but a younger version of
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:me who at the time was just focused on.
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:My career couldn't understand
what she was talking about.
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:So there's definitely, um,
elements of time here like where,
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:you know, where you're in that
journey, your priorities shift.
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:And in, in, as you transition or as
you shift it, there can be a period
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:where in, oh, you're very confused
and you're overwhelmed because you're
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:trying to fit everything all at once.
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:Um, because when everything's
important, then nothing is important.
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:So that's gonna be a
tough position to be in.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm-hmm.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:That's a really good point about, um,
time and the evolution of time and how our
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:perspectives on what's important shift.
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:As well.
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:So, you know, when you're in your
twenties, it may not feel as important
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:to kind of focus on family if, you
know, you don't have kids or you don't
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:have family that needs you, or you're
kind of just starting this life of
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:independence, uh, away from your family.
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:But, uh, yeah, there's,
there's, there's fluxes.
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:Things come and go, and
as you, I think we, we.
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:Build up a library of information as
we walk down our pathways of life.
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:And those inform and allow us to, to
kind of shift and pivot and, and redefine
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:as we go along what those values are.
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:And um, you know, I think like you
were saying, kind of the long, in
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:different moments of time, different
things may rise to the surface.
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:Um, that's kind of.
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:I think I would encourage folks to
really take a step back if they're
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:starting to feel sort of guilt around.
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:Inconsistency and whatnot, like maybe that
sense of guilt is, is trying to alert you
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:to like a need to recalibrate your values.
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:Like, is there, or, or a need to just
reassess like, am I spending my time
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:in the way that makes sense to me?
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:And um, where are those
expectations coming from that
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:are making me feel guilty?
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:So as an example, like
when, when we sort of.
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:Pushed off our last record session.
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:There was part of me that was
feeling a little bit like, oh no.
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:Oh no.
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:What does this mean?
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:Who does, how does this define me?
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:Am I no longer a podcaster?
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:Am I a bad podcaster?
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:Am I a bad friend to I read?
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:Am I a, am I, you know, should,
should we be hustling and pushing
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:ourselves more to be consistent?
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:And, um.
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:You know, taking that step back and
realizing we're holding space for things
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:that are more IPO important in the
moment, and these ideas of like, oh,
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:you have to show up X, Y, Z or to be a,
you know, a good friend or a good coach.
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:You have to do A, B, C.
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:Those are, those aren't cut and dry
and and laws that exist for everybody.
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:It's.
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:It, it has to work for us and
giving ourselves that freedom to
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:choose what works best for us and
identifying those and, and is helpful.
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:Irene Uy: I mean, I hope, uh, I, I, I
don't make you feel that way because
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:I, I am a firm, a believer in, um,
doing what's best for ourselves.
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:And if taking time to even rest is what's
going to be best, then I feel like, um,
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:that allows you to show up in the best way
that you can the next time you show up.
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:Um.
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:What else was I to
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: say?
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:There was a lot there.
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:Yeah.
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:Well, no, you don't make me feel that way.
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:It, it, it's funny 'cause that's, I
mean every, every sort of internal
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:misalignment or kind of feeling of
discomfort can be an opportunity to
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:identify stuff that could use a shift
or, you know, maybe, maybe just.
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:Reassess, as I said before, and I think
what I've discovered sometimes when I
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:feel like I'm letting PE people down is I,
it just comes from growing up in a home,
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:and I, we've touched on this in previous
episodes, but going up on a home, in a
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:home where we really had to anticipate
needs, um, and sometimes unreasonably.
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:But we didn't wanna upset my dad, and even
things would trigger him in ways that,
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:um, yeah, weren't necessarily logical.
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:So I think that's where it comes
from is like, what am I doing wrong?
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:Is always a question that, that kind
of tries to invade my consciousness,
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:or how could I be doing this better?
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:Um.
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:So, yeah, I, I, now that I've identified
that and over the years, I can use
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:that to kind of remind myself to talk
through these, these negative feelings.
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:It's, it's gotten a lot easier.
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:But yeah, there, there are
these irrational thoughts that
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:come up in my mind sometimes.
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:Like, if by not showing up for this, I am.
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:Uh, yeah, a bad friend or
I'm being, um, unsupportive.
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:Uh, and, and not, not just with
you, but like in any situation
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:where things might derail or where,
where the originally planned thing
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:doesn't play out the way it should.
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:And that's, that's something that
I suspect I will kind of always
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:be monitoring, maybe with less
frequency as I get wiser and older.
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:But, uh, yeah, it's, you know,
it's just a, a lesson in life.
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:Irene Uy: It takes practice.
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:And I actually wanna
highlight this, right?
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:Like, I mean, we're glossing over this.
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:Like, uh, uh, it, it happens like that.
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:But this is actually a very important
thing to highlight what you just, um,
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:shared, which is that oftentimes we find
ourselves, um, being propelled by guilt
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:or, um, this fear of upsetting someone
so much so that perhaps unknowingly we
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:might make life choices or live our lives
according to what we think someone else.
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:Um, or, or we're fulfilling someone
else's expectations as opposed to our own.
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:Mm-hmm.
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:And I think that's prevalent for
our generation, um, because I, I
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:had the same upbringing, right?
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:So it's like mm-hmm.
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:What's going to not upset my father
or my parents, um, because that's
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:the way that I'm going about life.
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:And with that, it might feel like,
um, our sense of self-worth is tied
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:to our productivity or our usefulness
to the person that we look up to,
362
:which I think, you know, after
some self-reflection, uh, and, um.
363
:Giving, giving yourself the power back.
364
:Um, you might realize, hey, um, am I,
do I want to live my life for others
365
:or do I want to live my life for me?
366
:Right.
367
:Is this how I actually
want to live my own life?
368
:Mm-hmm.
369
:Um, I, I was listening to, um, Brittany
Brown's, uh, recording recently.
370
:I think, um, another coach friend
of ours actually sent me this, and I
371
:loved it because what she, what she
said was that people, um, when you.
372
:Differ or when you set your
boundaries, um, the people who
373
:get upset are the people who
benefited from you not having any.
374
:Mm
375
:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: mm-hmm.
376
:Yeah.
377
:That, that makes sense.
378
:Yeah.
379
:Yeah.
380
:I How did, how did you
feel that resonated?
381
:In what areas of your life
did that really speak to
382
:you?
383
:Irene Uy: Um, I think, you know, just
to bring it back to the point of,
384
:um, consistency and like flexibility,
385
:I, there's this reevaluation of
are the rules that I have set for
386
:myself really aligned with who I am?
387
:Right.
388
:So that's the question.
389
:Or it, it, it allows you to reevaluate.
390
:Like, is this the plan?
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:I know this is the plan.
392
:Uh, and I might be deviating
from the plan, excuse me.
393
:But maybe the reevaluation is,
um, a redirection into um hmm.
394
:The life that I actually want to live.
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:And we might not need to be so rigid
about our plans because when we,
396
:once we have alignment with, um,
identities and our values, um, things
397
:just feel like they fall into place.
398
:It's much more not, you're easily
motivated to do things without having to
399
:will yourself to do the things that are in
your plan or, or used to be in your plan.
400
:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.
401
:That is so true.
402
:That is so true.
403
:And I like, you know, that you.
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:In our moments of reassessment,
it's, there are, there are
405
:different ways we can be flexible.
406
:There are different ways
we can shift or tweak.
407
:And one thing might be, like, one question
to ask is, you know, how am I still
408
:showing up in alignment with my values?
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:And to your point, like, where is this
expectation coming from and is this
410
:really for me versus someone else?
411
:Uh, I, I like kind of.
412
:The way that we've brought up all these
questions that can be helpful to ask in a
413
:moment of guilt because I'm quote unquote
inconsistent, you know, just to help kind
414
:of guide that inner, um, analysis that
can lead us to like kind of, if we're,
415
:if we're swirling in a undertow, these
questions can kind of help people back to
416
:shore, like the safety of, of land and.
417
:Feel grounded again.
418
:And you know, something that came up
as we were talking was, you know, we,
419
:we focus, when we feel guilty about
these things, we're focusing so much
420
:on what we haven't done instead to
help kind of with these mind shifts and
421
:flexibility and pivoting, et cetera.
422
:But, um, we can celebrate
the re-engagement of things.
423
:So instead of just looking
at how you stopped.
424
:Like the fact that you and I are showing
up here today after, you know, having to
425
:postpone and reschedule a bit like that's,
that's worthy of celebration and that
426
:speaks to our values and that, uh, that's,
that's something that we can be proud of.
427
:So, you know, instead of me looking
at, hey, we went so much time before
428
:Rerecording, um, we are showing up now
in a way that matters and is really, uh.
429
:Evidence of alignment with our
values and, and that's powerful.
430
:Irene Uy: Hmm.
431
:I, I hear, um.
432
:Um, let me, let me bring some parallels.
433
:'cause I hear a lot of, um,
uh, reservations on this, um,
434
:new way of parenting, which
is, which is gentle parenting.
435
:But gentle parenting doesn't
necessarily mean permissive, right?
436
:Mm-hmm.
437
:So, you know, to your point of like
being flexible and, um, not being.
438
:Pulled by negative, um, motivations,
uh, how do we balance that by holding
439
:ourselves accountable and making sure that
we're not, um, being permissive too much?
440
:Hmm.
441
:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Well, you know,
I think that those same questions we
442
:ask when we're feeling guilty come
in handy in that kind of situation.
443
:So if a child or your teen is acting
out or they've just, you know.
444
:Maybe been disrespectful or they,
they didn't clean your room,
445
:their room when you asked them to.
446
:And so there's these feelings of
di uncomfort, discomfort and unrest
447
:and like, uh, you know, resentment.
448
:And then, so kind of taking a step
back and looking at, okay, what.
449
:What tools can I use to help
accomplish the benefit of my child?
450
:Like every kid, we know
that kids need structure.
451
:We know that it's important for teens
to learn how to live independently
452
:and take care of their things.
453
:So I think pushing through some of,
by analyzing and understanding where
454
:that discomfort is coming from.
455
:You know, like, I know for me, a,
a big thing is I don't like that
456
:feeling of my kids not liking me.
457
:And that's, I think it's just human like
in, in the way parenting is approached
458
:today, uh, it's very different than
whatever, 200 years ago or even a hundred
459
:years ago, I think when kids just occupied
a different role in the family structure.
460
:Um, I.
461
:And, and maybe were even seen as
utilitarian when, when there were
462
:farms or there were, you know, the, the
mortality rate for kids was much higher.
463
:And now we, we see kids differently.
464
:Um, so for me, that comes up is this,
like, I don't like this feeling of,
465
:of my kids not liking me, but I also.
466
:Acknowledge that I am not there to be
their friend and that they need structure,
467
:and I am the adult in this relationship
and I need to impart wisdom and guidelines
468
:and things that I know to be true.
469
:That because they just don't
have that same framework feel
470
:hard, or feel difficult or
unnecessary or, um, bothersome.
471
:It's like they, they're working with a
limited set of information and through.
472
:Virtue of that.
473
:Certain things just feel like
they're not gonna like it.
474
:And so understanding kind of the,
the differences in our, in the
475
:dynamic and how we both come to
this, you know, this relationship.
476
:Um, and then also showing, showing
kids grace, like, you know, kind of.
477
:We know that they aren't
fully developed humans.
478
:Um, so we can't expect their reactions
or how they process things to
479
:necessarily track in a logical way.
480
:Like I can't expect them to respond
the same way my husband might,
481
:or a coworker or a really good
friend that I've had for 25 years.
482
:There's just not that sense of regulation
or, um, you know, experience to inform
483
:how they're supposed to show up.
484
:So.
485
:I don't know.
486
:I, I feel like I'm bouncing around a
little bit, but certainly, you know,
487
:the, the gentle parenting versus like,
how do I know I'm doing the right thing
488
:and, you know, is this something that's
showing up to others as not effective?
489
:Um, really, you know, trying to
identify what those triggers internally
490
:might be and finding your own, um.
491
:Explanation for what works in
that moment, um, is, is, has
492
:been really helpful for me.
493
:Um, and what it, it has meant
like I have to put on my big girl
494
:pants and be uncomfortable with
people being upset with me and I.
495
:That's not something I grew up enjoying
and I've tried to avoid my whole life.
496
:But in the dynamic of
kids, it's just part of it.
497
:And, and, and the reminding myself
that they need this and that, you
498
:know, the, the end game is more
important than the current moment.
499
:And how I feel in it is, um.
500
:You know, that's, that's what I try to
align myself with and remind myself of
501
:as, as I'm navigating those situations
imperfectly and very, in a very messy way.
502
:I.
503
:Irene Uy: I love it.
504
:So as I was listening here, just sharing
to everything that you've shared in the
505
:past minute or two, I, I was imagining
like what a different generation's
506
:reactions would be to what you just
shared because, um, here is Cat uh.
507
:A a, a picture or a model
of like a millennial mother.
508
:And I'm thinking about, um, how different,
um, the older generation must have done
509
:their parenting and how the younger
generation, um, might view this also.
510
:Like, oh, perhaps they can see the
difference and appreciate that, um, we are
511
:making progress like with each generation.
512
:Right.
513
:And what I really wanna call
out here is that like, I think
514
:every parent wants, um, uh.
515
:Their, their kids molded in a certain
way, like certain behaviors, like
516
:they want, um, outstanding citizens,
but also not at the expense of
517
:your relationship with your kids.
518
:Right.
519
:I think that's what
you were talking about.
520
:And oftentimes I think especially
with the older generation, it's
521
:like they can sacrifice the
relationship with their kids.
522
:Um, for the sake of, um.
523
:Their expectations, right?
524
:Like whether that's good grades or
like high earning, um, uh, potential
525
:or, um, the way that they act socially
at the expense of their relationship.
526
:And, um, I can tell you that, um,
a lot of, um, the older generation,
527
:um, probably didn't handle that well.
528
:I had, I've had, um, coaching
sessions where, you know,
529
:um, an older gentleman, um.
530
:Came out and at, at the end of the
session, revealed that, oh, what
531
:he wanted to talk about in the
session was that he wanted his call
532
:to, he wanted his son to call him.
533
:So it takes him a while.
534
:It, and, you know, there's like
some deep, um, emotions there
535
:that it takes him a while also
to come out because it's probably
536
:like, um, repressed deep down, so.
537
:Mm-hmm.
538
:Yeah, I just wanted to call
out, um, the, the, the, a parent
539
:struggle to, um, meet, um.
540
:Or to mold children into certain
expectations and also their relationship.
541
:Um, so yeah.
542
:You know, just to maybe, um, highlight,
um, the, the, the point that we want to
543
:make for this episode, is there something
that you want to leave our audience
544
:with, um, as a take away for today?
545
:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah, I think
that, um, maybe the, the, the high.
546
:High level takeaway is, um, really
focusing on are your actions in alignment
547
:with your values, like the, the high
level values of who you wanna be and what
548
:you're trying to accomplish in the long
run, and remembering it's more about.
549
:You know that versus, um, like how
often you show up for something.
550
:So like the alignment versus checking
off boxes and frequency of things and
551
:really embracing flexibility when you are
making kind of these decisions about how
552
:to approach, you know, what's coming up.
553
:So alignment with values, like
focus on alignment, not frequency.
554
:And remember that the sense of
guilt and oh, I'm inconsistent.
555
:Um, it can actually be, uh, a good thing.
556
:It can be, it can show that you're
flexible and that you are, um,
557
:prioritizing, making meaningful
moments over, um, you know, just
558
:trying to enforce habits that
may not serve you in the moment.
559
:Irene Uy: I love it.
560
:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.
561
:Well, thank you Irene, and thanks to all
of you for listening to the Coaches in.
562
:If something from today's episode
made you stop and think or even
563
:roll your eyes, don't worry.
564
:That is part of the process.
565
:If you're curious to hear more, hit
follow, leave a review or share the
566
:podcast with someone who gets it.
567
:Remember, we're not promising
perfect answers, but every small
568
:shift can make a big difference.
569
:Until next time, take care of yourself.
570
:The coach is in and this space is for you.
