Setting Boundaries on Invisible Labor
In this episode, we dive into the topic of invisible labor—the unseen emotional, mental, and logistical work that women often carry in their personal lives, friendships, and workplaces. We explore how these expectations shape our daily lives, why setting boundaries can be so challenging, and practical strategies to reclaim time and energy for what truly matters.
Episode Highlights
[00:02:10] – What is Invisible Labor?
How women take on unspoken responsibilities at home and work
Cultural and generational expectations that make it hard to say no
[00:08:45] – The Family Dynamic: Emotional Labor and Boundaries
The role of the "strong one" in the family
Why setting boundaries can feel selfish (but isn’t!)
[00:15:30] – Friendships & Emotional Energy
The impact of venting and how to create positive resonance
Checking in before unloading—how to support friends while protecting your energy
[00:23:15] – Invisible Labor at Work
Why women often get assigned tasks like note-taking and emotional support
How to push back without seeming unhelpful
Using humor and role rotation to redistribute responsibilities
[00:32:50] – Breaking the Cycle
Small steps to reclaim time and energy
The importance of strategic decision-making: Say "yes" with intention
Key Takeaways
✔️ Invisible labor exists in every area of life—family, friendships, and work.
✔️ Setting boundaries doesn’t mean withdrawing; it means being intentional with your time.
✔️ Instead of venting, focus on shifting the emotional tone of conversations.
✔️ Speak up at work—use humor, call out patterns, and suggest role rotations.
✔️ The power of strategic yeses: Align your efforts with your personal goals.
Where in your life are you carrying invisible labor? What’s one small shift you can make today? Share: If this episode resonated with you, send it to a friend who needs to hear it! Subscribe & Review: Don’t miss future episodes—hit follow and leave a review.
Transcript
Welcome to The Coach Is In, the
podcast for parent leaders who are
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:juggling work, family, and life, and
wondering if there's actually a way
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:to do it all without falling apart.
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:I'm Irene, a leadership coach on
the mission to bridge generational
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:gaps and bring fresh perspectives to
the challenges parent leaders face.
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:And I'm Cat, a coach, lawyer, and
mom who's been there, navigating
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:the tightrope of leadership at
home and work, and figuring out
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:what's actually worth the energy.
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:If you're skeptical that balance, calm, or
boundaries are even possible, we get it.
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:We're not here for quick
fixes or empty advice.
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:We're here to have honest conversations.
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:Share practical tools and maybe even
help you see things differently because
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:the coach is in and this space is for
you in today's episode We're talking
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:about something so many women deal
with but rarely name Invisible labor
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:from being the one to check in on
family to offering emotional support to
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:friends to even being expected to take
notes In meetings women are constantly
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:carrying extra weight that takes time
away from their own goals So, Irene,
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:you've been reflecting on this a lot.
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:What made you want to
talk about this today?
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:I think it's, we can all agree
that your attention is the
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:most valuable asset you have.
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:Everyone sort of like pulls
you into different directions.
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:Like whether that's the news, marketers
who are selling your products, your boss,
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:your parents, your partner, your friends.
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:Everyone just wants a
piece of your attention.
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:And so, You know, it's easy to get pulled
into something that potentially does
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:someone good, but doesn't really move
the needle for you to your own goals.
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:I think it's easy to overestimate
our capacity and overextend
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:ourselves in the name of altruism
at the expense of oneself.
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:Yeah, when you were talking
about overextending yourself
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:right away, I was thinking about
moms and the family dynamic.
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:So, Let's start there.
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:Women are often expected to take
responsibility and hold things together.
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:You know, the, the birthdays, the gift
buying, the invitations, etc, etc.
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:Can you talk about how that
expectation shows up for you?
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:Oh my gosh.
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:So especially if you are the first in
your family who's gone through therapy
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:or any self development journey, I think
it's easy for The people around you,
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:the people closest to you, to lean on to
you for support, because it's probably
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:the first time they feel seen and heard.
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:And so it's just natural for you to take
on that role, especially if you haven't.
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:Um, set boundaries yourself.
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:I remember moving to the U.
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:S.
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:you know, over 10 years ago,
and I think I may have mentioned
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:this to you already, Pat.
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:Like, I have a family member
who is constantly around me.
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:We spend a lot of time together, and
you know, we were growing together.
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:And at some point in my journey, I have
felt that I wanted to start setting
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:boundaries because it was just taking too
much of my time and Our phases in life,
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:our trajectory of growth is just going to
different places and it was hard for me
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:to set boundaries because my dad being,
you know, this being family, he wanted to
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:make sure that I was looking out for this
family member because she's family or, you
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:know, whatever else reasons there might
be, which frankly, it isn't really my
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:problem now that I look You know, on it.
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:So it's hard focusing on myself when
I have to think about other people and
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:take on other people under my wing.
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:For sure, that definitely resonates.
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:I'm curious, what, it is hard,
what do you think makes it so
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:hard for women to push back?
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:Why do we feel like we can't say no?
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:I think a big part of it
is societal expectations.
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:I think there are gender roles that we
still fulfill, unspoken rules or unspoken
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:expectations that we immediately fulfill.
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:One such example would be, I know of
Asian families who expect daughter in laws
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:to fulfill certain roles for them that
it's just hard to say no, especially for
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:cultures that value, you know, a hierarchy
or respect towards the elders, right?
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:It could look this way and partly
because I think a lot of us women
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:have not been taught to set boundaries
and to pursue our own goals.
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:Yeah, it's when you, it's funny,
you meant to set boundaries
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:because I think I too grew up in a
household rooted in Asian culture.
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:And yeah, we, I don't necessarily
feel like I had clear role models for
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:certain types of boundary setting.
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:And I think, like you said, a lot
of that is informed by the cultures
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:that, that may You may be born into
or may inform your, your upbringing.
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:So that you, yeah, that definitely
resonates the lack of role models and kind
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:of the different cultural expectations
depending on where you're situated.
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:Yeah.
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:And to add onto that, I feel like these
expectations not only come from say,
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:you know, men, but also women of, of the
older generations, as if to say, like,
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:I've done my part and now it's your turn.
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:You know, like there was one such,
there's an, you know, I had an experience
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:where I was invited as a guest to an
engagement party and then an auntie, who
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:I don't personally know, started like
Scolding me for not serving tea to the
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:guests that so much so that even the, you
know, bride to be was so embarrassed and
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:apologetic for me because I was invited
as a guest, but because I was a female
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:there, a single female who, you know, I
guess was available to do the duties, you
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:know, like you can see it like she's a
stranger to me, you know, you and I would
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:think it's unbelievable, but it happens
and it's more common than we think.
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:Um, that's a really interesting
observation that it, even though you
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:would like in an ideal world for,
for the women that surround you to be
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:allies, that sometimes if that person
isn't on the same wavelength, that
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:they may be perpetuating these things.
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:And I I've actually encountered
that at work a little bit or in the
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:workspace where women that have had to.
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:Endure certain environments and certain
treatment may not be so inclined to
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:accommodate the, the needs of other
younger women who maybe, you know, have
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:a different generational experience
and different framework for what,
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:what a healthy workplace looks like.
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:And it's just kind of funny how,
like you were saying, the previous
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:generations before us can sometimes.
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:inadvertently or intentionally
perpetuate these dynamics of carrying
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:weight that maybe you don't want to.
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:Right.
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:Yeah.
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:One thing that I found helpful for me
because, you know, it's not that I want
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:to, uh, deny people of my time and helping
them, but I think, you know, people seek.
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:Or people come to you for help
because they look up to you, right?
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:So there's some sort of like respect
that they put you on a pedestal.
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:And so one thing that's really
helped me in sort of like, I don't
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:want my relationships to be unequal.
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:I want people around me to feel
like we're on equal footing.
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:So one thing that's helped me was to
really open up and be vulnerable and
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:share that, Hey, I'm also You know,
going through my own things and I
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:might not necessarily have the time or
the capacity to help you because, you
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:know, I like, like you have problems.
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:Mm hmm.
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:Like humanizing yourself or yes,
it's as when people maybe assume that
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:you're in a certain headspace, it's
helpful to be honest and vulnerable
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:about where you're at to, to avoid.
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:Being overstretched and, and having
people cross those boundaries that
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:you might have inside, for sure.
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:I, I'm, this is bringing up for me,
friends, and how boundaries and, uh,
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:that sometimes in friendships, we
can also feel like boundaries are
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:crossed or we're carrying extra weight.
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:How does that, does
that resonate with you?
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:Absolutely.
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:Especially, and I don't know about you,
Cat, but I come from a culture where it's
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:so funny because When I moved to the U.
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:S.
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:and I was hanging out with fellow
Filipinos in school here, one observation
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:that one of us made was that when
Americans ask, how are you, they
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:don't actually mean how are you, they
just mean, I want to hear you say I'm
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:good and then we'll part our ways.
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:It's more of a greeting
than an actual how are you.
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:So You know, when, when she was asked,
how are you, she would actually go in
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:and tell her, tell, you know, the person
who asked her, how are you, her problems.
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:And so she's engaged in a much longer
conversation than the person asked,
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:who asked her, how are you, expected.
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:So it's funny.
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:So, you know, coming from, from
that culture, our expectations of
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:friendships are very different, I think,
from someone who grew up in the U.
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:S.,
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:who might have a more, Deeper
understanding of what boundaries are, what
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:lines to cross, and what not to, because,
you know, coming from the Philippines,
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:we sort of, like, we're, we don't know
that, I mean, I grew up with my friends,
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:with my friends from kindergarten,
so we're very close, like, the lines
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:between, My friends, it's different from
the lines that you have here in the US.
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:So, one thing that I have learned is that
sharing your problems or venting doesn't
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:actually help either of you, right?
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:Because I think, you know, one thing
we've learned in our coaching program
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:is positive resonance, which is that
when you share positive emotions with
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:someone, you both experience that, right?
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:So, it's the same thing with
negative emotions, that when you
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:spend time venting or complaining
or gossiping about other people.
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:Your friends might not necessarily
be equipped with the tools to help
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:reframe those thoughts for you or get
you out of your situation or help you
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:change the way that you see things.
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:So what ends up happening is that you
both just ruminate and stay in a negative
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:state, which helps neither of you.
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:It's funny that I can think of instances
where, like, someone is venting and
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:it feels like a deflated balloon where
you may have come into the scenario
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:neutral, but then, you know, the venting
can definitely have that weight and
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:that, that exhaustion aspect to it.
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:So to your point, I know I've
experienced that firsthand.
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:I think everyone listening
probably has too.
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:Yeah.
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:It's what I would say that, you know.
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:When I went into the coaching program,
we learned how to listen deeply and
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:we're not just listening on the surface.
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:We're not just listening for
the things that are being,
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:you know, said on the surface.
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:We're listening for things that they might
not be saying or how they're feeling.
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:For things that they're
not ready to admit.
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:For things that they, you know,
might not want to work on just yet.
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:You know, so there's a lot that goes into
Helping someone get out of their rut,
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:you know, that that mostly people might
not be might not be able to do for you.
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:Yeah.
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:So, so tell me what or
the listeners and me.
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:What are some suggestions,
like alternatives to venting?
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:Of course we want people to be able to
share their authentic feelings, but when
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:it gets into that rehashing, ruminating,
stuck in a space where the anger is
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:just festering or the resentments are
just, you know, someone's kind of head
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:in the sand about it, what, what would
you suggest as better ways to support
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:someone else who's In that headspace.
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:I think a good place to start would
be, number one, to check in with
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:the person that you're asking for
help, whether they have headspace
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:or whether they have capacity.
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:And the second thing that I would suggest
people do is that make sure that you are
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:clear on what you need help on, right?
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:Like, help me help you.
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:Because usually when people come
to you and they just vent, then the
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:conversation could go nowhere because
even the person who's listening to
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:you don't know what they're there for.
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:Are they there to lend you an ear?
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:Do you just need someone to
listen to you, to comfort you?
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:Or are you actually
looking for a solution?
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:And if you are looking for a solution,
what kind of help do you need, right?
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:Wouldn't you say that that's, you
know, like, when you hear someone,
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:it's like, you could be, now
that we're trained in coaching.
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:Whenever someone comes to me, I start
like, you know, the gears start turning
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:and I'm like, well, what, what's
the whole point of this conversation
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:is what I keep asking myself.
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:And if it's not clear, then I, there's
no end to the conversation, which
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:makes it hard for me because I'm
deeply listening for everything, but
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:I don't know where, where all our
energy is, you know, directed to.
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:Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:I just saw it.
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:It's, it's a point that's
worth reminding everyone.
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:Oh, and myself over and over by it.
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:You know, there was a social media
post, but how so many arguments and
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:misunderstandings can be averted by
clarifying exactly what you said.
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:Like, what do you need from me right now?
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:Do you want emotional support
or do you want solution help
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:brainstorming solutions?
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:Do you want a shoulder to cry
on or, you know, a partner to
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:ideate with on problem solving?
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:And knowing Level setting with the
person that you're hoping to support
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:is really key to helping, you know,
navigate the right next steps forward.
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:Right.
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:Because it also, you know, avoids.
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:So, so my tendency when someone
comes to me, you know, before I went
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:into coaching for almost to give
them advice because I'm, I'm, I'm in
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:solution oriented mode, but we know
that that doesn't really help, right?
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:Like giving advice to someone
can do them real harm.
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:But because I didn't know what I was
there for, I tend to like, just, you
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:know, spew out like, Generic advice.
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:So true.
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:So true.
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:Now, what if, like, do you think
that there's a point where additional
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:tools or resources might be needed,
um, beyond like, do I want us, like,
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:do you want a shoulder to cry on?
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:Do you want, like, what are some
additional, I guess, tactics you might
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:put into play once you are in this?
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:Okay, this person is open to receiving
some advice or problem solving.
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:Yeah.
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:So one of the things that I have
started doing really is to return the
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:problem to the person asking for help.
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:Kind of like, have you done your homework?
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:Because I want to make sure that I
know what you've tried before I start,
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:you know, problem solving with you.
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:Because usually people who want
to help themselves have tried.
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:something on their own.
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:So my first go to question
would be what have you tried?
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:The next thing is I would encourage them
to either see a coach or a therapist if
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:they keep returning to the issue because
as a first, if, if you know, if you're
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:talking to a friend who's never had any
professional training in the mental health
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:space it's gonna be a really gigantic
ask to help you get out of that rut.
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:You know, so, so that would
be my, my second suggestion.
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:And the third thing, which is going
back to positive resonance, right,
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:which is that mild positive emotions
that you share with another person,
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:is to ask them, what's something
good that happened to you today?
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:Because then that puts us in a
positive state as opposed to just,
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:you know, dwelling on the negative.
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:Mm.
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:Yeah, it's, and it is funny how that
kind of breaking that little cycle of
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:thinking of everything negative that,
you know, if a person is stuck in a
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:negative resonance, then they suddenly
are looking at all of these things that
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:aren't going right in their day or are
wrong with their lives, but kind of.
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:Jarring the needle off of that record
groove and nudging them to think of
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:something good that happened can be,
you know, that little shift that gets
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:them slowly out of that, that quagmire
and quicksand of, of negative stuckness.
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:I love that idea of kind of just breaking
the, breaking the, the refrain in
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:their heads for a second with something
positive that makes so much sense.
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:So we've talked about supporting
our families, supporting our
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:friends, and this invisible labor
and wait, what about at work?
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:I know I mentioned it a little
bit earlier, but I'd love to hear
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:you share a little bit about, you
know, carrying the load at work
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:and your experience with that.
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:Yeah, I think, actually, when
we talk about invisible labor at
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:work, there's two different kinds.
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:I think one of that would be our
emotional intelligence being an
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:underutilized leadership skill, right?
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:And we may not value this as much as
technical skills, but these are the
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:soft skills, which we now call power
skills, that help you really navigate
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:the workplace and the intricacies of it.
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:Be that, you know, with your
colleagues or your colleagues.
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:or the people that you lead because
it helps you foster a healthy work
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:environment and achieve superior
results at, you know, compared to
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:say, a traditional leadership, which
I think many of us have experienced.
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:So if I'm hearing you right,
like in addition to like, it may
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:not necessarily mean you aren't.
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:Uh, you step away from supporting
your coworkers or assisting when it
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:feels right for you, but to highlight
those traits as a strength is part of
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:what can make this invisible labor in
the workplace a little more balanced
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:and kind of recalibrated and our
relationship with it a little healthier.
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:Does that sound right?
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:Yeah, because I think the difference
in your personal life and your, your
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:professional life as it pertains to, you
know, your emotional intelligence and
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:how it can really elevate you is that
in the workplace, the expectations from
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:you are clear, your goals are clear.
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:And so to leverage your emotional
intelligence to further your,
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:your professional goals is
actually an underutilized skill.
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:As opposed to in your personal
life, you know, it could go.
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:You could keep using that to
no, to no end, because the
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:expectations are not clear.
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:Sure, sure.
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:And you're kind of stuck with family.
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:You can't really like, you know,
pivot into different managers
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:and whatnot in some ways.
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:Now, what if, throwing out another
hypothetical here, but say you, You
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:have these wonderful power skills, but
you do find yourself getting assigned
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:tasks that these invisible tasks, how
would you push back without seeming
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:unhelpful or not a team player?
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:One thing I've learned from,
you know, working with people is
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:that we have different strengths.
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:There are different, what do you call
this, responsibilities that energize us.
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:So what we've been doing is
to invite people to volunteer
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:for the types of tasks.
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:The nature of the work
that energizes them.
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:So, for example, if note taking doesn't
exactly energize you, it doesn't bring
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:you joy, then you don't have to do it.
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:Give it to someone else who might
actually enjoy note taking, right?
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:But the point here is that, uh, you're
not just taking on, um, a responsibility
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:just because you're a woman.
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:Mm hmm.
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:Mm hmm.
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:The other way that I have actually, um,
learned also is to use your humor, right?
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:Like you, you can call out something
without being rude, but you, you
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:infuse a little bit of humor into it.
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:Like say, you know, I was assigned, you
know, I was assigned team mom again.
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:That's good.
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:And even, like you said, I think
sometimes being really obvious about
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:it, like similarly like not in an angry
way, but kind of in a lighthearted
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:or joking way, but that, but calling
attention to the fact that here's
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:me doing this thing for all of you.
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:So it's not so invisible
in a way can help.
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:Either make sure that it's not just
you taking care of these tasks,
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:but also highlighting what you are
bringing to the table, perhaps by being
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:willing to do this particular task.
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:You are a team player, you are supportive
and collaborative and, you know,
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:willing to do whatever it takes to make
sure that the team gets the job done.
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:Right.
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:And if those don't work, then you
could also say, like, you know,
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:we could rotate the roles so it's
distributed evenly amongst the
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:team members and not one person is
taking that role for the whole time.
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:Yeah.
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:Great, great suggestions.
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:So I, there's so much in this episode
that I think I will be digesting for quite
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:some time, but I, some, some of the high
points that came, that I came away with.
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:One is invisible labor really
does exist pretty much in every
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:space that we women navigate.
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:So within our families.
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:We take on certain labor or we
have expectations of that within
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:our friendships, it exists too.
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:And, uh, and then within the
workplace, there's a different
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:type of invisible labor that we may
get wrapped up in and looped into.
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:So that's the key takeaway is sort of
acknowledging that this does exist.
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:And when we do that, we can give
ourselves grace and permission
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:to enact self care, et cetera.
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:But I think the first step.
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:Is acknowledging that
it exists everywhere.
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:And then another takeaway is
that we can set boundaries while
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:still showing up for others.
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:There you get, you gave some really great
examples of how to kind of speak up for
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:your head space so that you can establish
a boundary of, you know, when you're
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:not in the right space to perhaps exert
yourself to the degree you're being asked.
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:And then the, I also loved what
you talked about with venting, how.
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:Support doesn't have to mean
venting, allowing someone to vent
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:or venting along with somebody.
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:And you can make small positive
emotional shifts to help create
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:better, better relationships.
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:So I like all of this is
such good information.
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:And so thank you for sharing.
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:I have one final question for you,
which is what's one small step
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:someone listening could take today to
reclaim some of the time and energy
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:that gets lost to invisible labor?
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:I, I think be strategic.
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:You get to say you have,
you have the choice.
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:You get to have a say
in what to say yes to.
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:Helping others is good, but make
sure this aligns with your goals too.
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:I love that.
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:Thank you so much, Irene.
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:And to the listeners, I hope that
if something resonated with you
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:today, you'll share this episode
with a friend who needs to hear it.
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:Don't forget to subscribe so you never
miss a conversation like this one.
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:Thank you for listening
to The Coach Is In.
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:If something from today's episode
made you stop and think or even
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:roll your eyes, don't worry.
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:That's part of the process.
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:If you're curious to hear more, hit
follow, leave a review, or share this
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:episode with someone who gets it.
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:Remember, we're not promising
perfect answers, but every small
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:shift can make a big difference.
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:Until next time, take care of yourself.
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:The Coach Is In, and
this space is for you.
