Episode 1

full
Published on:

20th Feb 2025

What's Your Relationship with Authority?

In this episode, Irene and Cat delve into how early experiences with authority figures influence workplace behavior, leading to fear, people-pleasing, and self-doubt. They share personal stories and strategies to recognize and reshape these patterns for healthier professional relationships.

Content Highlights:

[00:00:00] – Introduction to the episode's theme: authority in personal and professional contexts.

[00:02:15] – Irene's realization of how her fear of authority stems from childhood experiences.

[00:06:30] – Discussion on how upbringing shapes perceptions of authority and leadership.

[00:12:45] – Exploration of people-pleasing behaviors at work and their origins.

[00:18:20] – Irene shares strategies she employed to build confidence and set boundaries.

[00:24:10] – The importance of self-awareness in identifying and altering unhelpful patterns.

[00:30:05] – Coaching tips for listeners to recognize and manage their reactions to authority figures

About the show:

The Coach is In is a podcast for parent-leaders who are carrying it all: careers, kids, family, and the invisible weight no one seems to see.

Meet your hosts, Cat and Irene. Irene is an ICF certified leadership coach on a mission to break intergenerational cycles and bridge generational gaps. Cat is a coach who works with high-achieving moms and service-oriented women like her—women who are burning bright but sometimes burning out. Together, we’re diving deep into the messy, beautiful balancing act of leading your family, leaning into your work and living your life without losing yourself in the process.

From calming your nervous system when the overwhelm hits, to navigating tough conversations at home or work, to finally finding boundaries that actually stick—this space is for YOU.

Each episode, we’ll bring practical tools, real-life stories, and honest conversations to help you move from burned out to lit up.

So, if you’ve ever wondered, “How can I show up for my family AND take care of myself?” or “When is it time to let go of old patterns that don’t serve me?”—we’ve got you.

Follow the podcast and feel free to connect with us at:

Email: thecoachisinpodcast@gmail.com

IG: @thecoachisinpodcast

Transcript
Irene Uy:

Welcome to the coach is in the podcast for parent leaders who are

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juggling work, family, and life, and

wondering if there's actually a way

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to do it all without falling apart.

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I'm Irene, a leadership coach on

the mission to bridge generational

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gaps and bring fresh perspectives.

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To the challenges parent leaders face.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: And I'm Kat, a

coach, lawyer, and mom who's been there,

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navigating the tightrope of leadership

at home, at work, and figuring out

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what's actually worth the energy.

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If you're skeptical that balance, calm, or

boundaries are even possible, we get it.

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We're not here for quick

fixes or empty advice.

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We're here to have honest conversations,

share practical tools, and maybe

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even help you see things differently.

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Because the coach is in,

and this space is for you.

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In today's episode, we talk about

how Irene's childhood experiences

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shaped her view on authority and how

this played out in the workplace.

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So some of you may have found

yourselves reacting to your boss in a

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way that feels maybe oddly familiar.

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Uh, perhaps you shut down when you

were challenged or you go above

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and beyond just to avoid conflict.

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It turns out the way we were raised to

see authority doesn't just disappear

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really when we step into the workplace.

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It follows us.

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And Irene is going to tell us a little bit

about herself as well as how authority was

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modeled for her when she was growing up.

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Irene Uy: You know, it's interesting that,

um, just mention the mention of the word

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authority already feels, um, there's a

negative connotation to it already, right?

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Um, and, and this matters because, uh, I

believe that leadership starts at home.

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It's very, it's modeled for us at

the very early stages and the way we

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perceive authority are, um, based on the

primary authority figures in our lives.

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And that would be, you know, primarily

our parents and perhaps, uh, teachers.

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And then bosses when you

go into the workplace.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.

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It's so true.

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I, I get that same little like hair on the

back of my neck standing up when, when I

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hear the, the term authority and I, it's

funny you mentioned, I'm not sure I ever

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really would have said this is a term that

has a negative spin, but just my physical

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reaction to it definitely makes me.

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Me feel that way.

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So, um, your experiences, tell us

a little bit about that and how

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that shaped, like, what was your

perception of authority as a result?

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Irene Uy: You know, I wasn't actually,

you know, similar to you, I wasn't

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aware that that's how I felt about

authority either because, um, until I,

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uh, worked on observing myself and how.

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I was performing at work or what

my behaviors were towards, um,

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you know, a simple, the simple

presence of an authority figure.

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Um, I did not know that it was fear

that I was feeling predominantly, right.

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It can escape us like that

awareness can escape us.

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And so, um, When I started working on

my self development, actually it started

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in therapy, right, um, I became aware

that, hey, the way that I sometimes

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view my bosses is very similar to the

way that I view, viewed my father.

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Um, because early on in childhood, um,

and, and I think a lot of like, um,

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adults, um, can relate to this because

we were raised by a generation that

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didn't exactly have the tools, um,

that we do, that we have now, right?

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And, and so I can relate this to,

uh, an intergenerational cycle

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because, um, if I was raised by a,

uh, strict, uh, Controlling father,

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and this is not to single him out.

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I'm pretty sure that there's a

lot of us can relate to this.

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And, you know, I view him from a lens

of compassion as well, because I'm

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pretty sure like he was also raised

by, um, my grandfather, who probably,

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um, Shared a similar way of parenting

style, maybe even worse, right?

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Because like older generations

tell us often that they've had

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it worse, and I believe that.

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So what we're trying to do here is to

raise our awareness so that we break

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the cycle, not necessarily to change

the people from the older generations,

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but to start healing within ourselves.

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Um, we become aware of, um, How our past

has affected us so that we don't, um,

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take that with us in the new generation

and even in our present, right?

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So, um, how, how does fear, um,

affect your performance at work

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or how people view you at work

if you're fearful of authority?

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Right, and a lot of people can mask, um,

their fear in the workplace and still

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perform really well, but that doesn't

mean that we're not fearful nonetheless.

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so much.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.

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Yeah, I like the use of the term mask

because I think a lot of, a lot of us,

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especially women are, we learn how to

cope and how to navigate the workplace

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by, um, like fake it till you make it.

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You know, and, and pretending that

everything's fine on the surface

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because if we don't, then those

emotions might come back to haunt us

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in some way where folks might think

that we're, uh, emotionally unstable

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or that we can't hack it or we're, um,

too sensitive, whatever it might be.

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Uh, so yeah, that, that idea of kind

of, um, knowing that the fear can

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live there even if it doesn't manifest

on the surface is, is very real.

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After you became aware of this

pattern, you mentioned you went to

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therapy and started unpacking this.

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How did you start shifting your

relationship with authority?

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Irene Uy: Why?

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I think why is where I would start.

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Um, because even though I was doing

really well at work, I mean, I was

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negotiating million dollar deals and

I was doing really well with that

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without, you know, um, I was an immigrant

here without any prior network or any

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support system to, you know, rely on.

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Um, and so I was, I was.

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handling like negotiations, um,

high stake negotiations, right?

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Um, and it, so it's not like

it, you can outwardly see that

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I'm afraid of authority figures.

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Um, but it manifests itself because when

it came time to finally negotiate for

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myself, that's where I hit the, uh, uh,

you know, uh, a roadblock, like, How

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come I can negotiate, um, deals, um,

in the multimillion dollar range, but

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I can't seem to speak up for myself.

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And it manifested itself in,

in decisions when it comes to

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like, how to handle clients.

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Like it would be my bosses who get to say,

even though I was the one who originated

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the deal and I was the one who developed

the relationship with the client.

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Um, and so the results of, of

those decisions made by my bosses

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resulted in me not having repeat.

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business with the clients anymore because,

uh, I, I think it was handled poorly.

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I just didn't have a say in it.

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Right.

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So, so that's how it manifests.

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That's how my fear

manifested in the workplace.

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Um, uh, how did I shift, um, from

not speaking up to speaking up?

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Um, a couple of, um, Techniques, right?

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Like there's, um, visualization techniques

that my therapist helped me with.

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Um, because when you think about

authority, they seem to be very

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big and powerful in your head.

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Um, but the truth is they're not, right?

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Because they're humans, they're people.

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It's just a conversation.

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So my therapist helped me visualize,

the authority figure, to be similar

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to say a cartoon character, so it

doesn't feel as scary and powerful.

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Um, and the second way that I, um,

reframed, um, The idea of authority

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and how I dealt with people who I

felt had authority over me was to

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remember this is just a conversation

and they're also just humans.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: I like that.

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I feel as if there's that in, um,

instinct to want to, Put an authority

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figure on a pedestal and make it as

if they're somehow different, better,

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superior, and, and sure, maybe workplace

hierarchies or titles might give that

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impression, but to, to kind of level

set that a little bit by remembering

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that, yeah, this is just another,

another human being, uh, can help.

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Yeah.

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Diffuse some of that tension.

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Irene Uy: And I want to add that it's

not necessarily that your boss is

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trying to, um, make you feel this way.

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It's just inherent in us, right?

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If, if, if this is the lens through

which we see the world, um, you know,

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they could just be standing right next

to you and suddenly you might find

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yourself like, um, people pleasing.

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Um, I've heard of people who, uh,

just because they're in the presence

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of their bosses, they start speaking

differently, almost like, Oh, like you

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need something because you're next to me.

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So you need something.

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So I need to fulfill that need,

even though there, there was no

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explicit mention of anything.

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Right.

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So, so it can exhibit

itself in those ways.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: What can you

think of an example of one way that

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Once you had this realization, you did

start to show up differently at work

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or with your authority, you know, the

authority figures in the workplace.

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Irene Uy: Um, I finally,

uh, started speaking up.

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Uh, I finally spoke up about wanting

my own team in my own territory.

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Um, so, I, I think, I guess it's in a way.

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That's how you grow in

the workplace, right?

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Because if you, if you, if you're

fearful of the people who supposedly

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have power over you, um, you would

never be able to step up for fear.

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Oh, hey, what might they think?

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And do they think that I'm,

uh, stepping on their toes?

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It feels like it's finally taking

your power back, not not in the sense

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that you, you mean anyone harm, but

you're just advocating for yourself.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah, yeah.

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I think, um, this is reminding me

or bringing up for me a time when I

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was, you know, in a, in a important

meeting with a lot of folks that had

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way more seniority and different kind

of departments or different Thank you.

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Areas, uh, at my organization and

something that helped me really calm

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my nerves was reminding myself that we

were all in this for like a common goal

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that they don't want to see me fail.

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Like they, I'm lucky that I could honestly

say that about the people in the room, uh,

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as opposed to like this authority figure

is undermining me or expecting me to, um,

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like watching my every move with almost.

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The expectation that I might not deliver.

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Uh, so I think, depending on your

situation, sort of taking that 35, 000

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foot view of, um, who these people are

and what you're commonly working towards.

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Can help diffuse some of

that, uh, anxiety as well.

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Like I, this may sound strange, but

I actually do this when I drive.

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Sometimes if I get nervous driving in

traffic and there seems to be just,

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you know, a lot of cars and I, I'm,

I'm not always a nervous driver, but

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on occasion I, I can be, and when I

am, I always remind myself, no one

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wants to, no one wants an accident.

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So, yes, I might be worried that

an accident might happen, but

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this doesn't mean the other people

are, are trying to make it happen.

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Or so, so we're kind of in this together

in this, you know, yes, there's crazy

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traffic and there's construction or

whatever that's making it hard, but.

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Everyone is doing their best

to try to not hit each other.

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And I think that that kind of concept

has helped me in the past with

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authority figures as well, like that,

um, you know, we are all in, we're

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all just trying to make our way in

the world and get a common end result.

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Irene Uy: Yeah, I actually love that

story because it also reminded me of,

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um, the power of slowing down, because

when you're a people pleaser, uh, and

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when you're scared of authority, you

sort of learn to protect yourself by,

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uh, assuming what the other might think.

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What the other party might feel

and what they might need and what

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you need to do in order to protect

yourself from their reaction, right?

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But when you're on equal footing,

it's, um, a, when you slow down the

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conversations and you say something,

you wait for the reaction as opposed

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to negotiating with yourself,

because that's what people who are

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fearful of authority often do, right?

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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What's I'm curious, do

you have a tip for that?

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empty space, how to navigate, how to

handle that, that dead air that can come

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up in negotiations with authority figures.

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Um, I just saw this on a

TV show at the night agent.

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I was watching it and a guy was

asking for a raise and he said,

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I'm thinking 10%, but I can see,

you know, business has been tough.

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So maybe, maybe 5 percent is fine.

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And actually you gave me some time

off so, so I could live with 3%.

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Like that, that was all without

his boss having said anything.

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He was so uncomfortable and unsure that

he just negotiated against himself.

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So I'm curious if you have any like hacks.

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For, for managing that empty space

that can feel really uncomfortable.

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Irene Uy: I love, I love that question.

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Um, silence is good.

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I think we have to reframe that.

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Silence is good.

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Um, breathe.

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I think first and foremost, breathe,

because Oftentimes when we feel

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uncomfortable, there's these

negative emotions that come up.

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So we really need to regulate

ourselves to be calm and breathing.

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I find is the best way to do that because

it buys you time and it takes your mind

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away from what's right in front of you.

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Well, like giving you the space

to pay attention, to receive

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information back because you just

threw something out there, right?

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So now is the time for you

to receive information back.

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And even if nothing is said.

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From the other party, verbally, there's

a lot of, um, body language cues that

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you can pick up from just receiving.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.

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But those are great reminders.

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Good tips.

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I, I almost feel like if I'm telling

my daughter someday how to go into a

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work, you know, salary negotiation, I'm

going to mandate that after they say the

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number that they have to take three deep

breaths or, or at least, you know, three

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breaths, something like that to, so that

it gives the other person that space it,

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and it allows them that time to receive.

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Um, I, I think you're right.

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That's so many times people go into

it without thinking about what.

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What the moments immediately after

should look like and and just that

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reminder to you have to breathe like

do not speak unless you've You given

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yourself at least three breaths.

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Like this is not the time to keep talking

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Irene Uy: And yeah, sorry, we're

getting into negotiations now.

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But this is this is exciting for me

because I think it's a challenge that and

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the life skill that everyone has to have.

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Staying present is

imperative in negotiations.

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And that's something that we

work We work on as coaches for

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ourselves and also for our clients.

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And I think it's underrated because

when you go into negotiations, it's

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all about your presence and how

sharp you are and how intuitive

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you are in this moment, right?

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When we go into negotiations, um, the

best way that I have found effective

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for me was not to have, um, uh, an

outcome in mind because with negotiations

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are really just a conversation

back and forth and my openness to

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what the outcome would be actually

makes the negotiation even better.

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I did not know that I would get

a better deal than what I had,

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um, walked, uh, um, walked into.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Negotiate.

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Yeah.

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I just wrote down reframe or, or sort of

read, maybe recalibrate your expectations

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of negotiations so that there isn't.

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And, uh, specific outcome is what

I'm hearing and staying open to.

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Irene Uy: Yeah, it takes away the

pressure of like, Oh, I have to get this

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done by the end of the conversation.

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Cause no, sometimes you have to

meet the person where they are and,

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uh, stick with your boundaries.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: I'm wondering

how do these, so you've walked us

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through kind of the recognition of

your parental relationship and how

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that reflects in your workplace, uh,

relationship with figures of authority.

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Once you made these realizations

and started implementing in the

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workplace, did, was there also

a parallel kind of relationship?

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Similar evolution on the personal front

with the authority with my dad only.

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Irene Uy: Um, I thank you

for asking that question.

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Um, I will, I will not say that, uh, uh,

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I'm not going to paint a picture

of like, yes, you know, all of that

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translated into my personal life

because I feel like, um, uh, this,

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uh, progression of growth, uh, also

depends on, um, who you're dealing with.

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Right.

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So just because I'm dealing with, um,

this growth in the professional space.

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Um, doesn't mean it would translate

immediately into the personal space

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because I'm also dealing with a different

individual who might be on a different.

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face in their growth.

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Um, that said, like, um, I don't think

my dad and I had a lot of arguments at

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that point, but, uh, I have tuned in.

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channeled that energy into healing for

myself so that I can respond to my dad in

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such a way that I'm no longer combative.

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Um, because this, I guess this is where

the difference in, um, your personal

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life and your professional life lies

in that this is, At the end of the

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day, a personal relationship, right?

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It is family.

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I'm not negotiating with my, my dad.

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Um, but the best I could hope for is

to improve my relationship with him,

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to improve my communication in such

a way that, hey, I can assert myself

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without making you feel uncomfortable.

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Negatively about yourself

or the relationship?

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Mm-hmm

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm-hmm . And I, I, that resonates with me as well.

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Uh, similarly have had, uh, issues

with some of the ways that my dad

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emotionally showed up or was, or wasn't

available as, as I was growing up.

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But I like a carry on to the being

able to show up in a certain way.

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I also think that.

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Recognizing these dynamics and how

they impact us has helped me absorb the

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things that he does in a different way.

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I won't get emotionally

dysregulated in the same way.

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I am not triggered in the same way.

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Um, having spent time doing the work to

kind of give him grace and understand

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where my boundaries are and, uh, knowing.

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What that can look like, uh, in a

way that works for me that also can

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allow him and our relationship to

move forward in a productive way.

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Irene Uy: Yes.

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Um, yeah, yeah, I love that.

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And I think we don't give enough, um,

emphasis on, on, um, What, uh, the effects

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of a good relationship is with, you know,

your parents or your grandparents, because

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I do believe that every generation has

wisdom to impart to the next generation.

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And I think we, we, we lose that if

we don't have, um, these relationships

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and these connections with, um, people

of different generations, right.

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And so to have, um, a good, um,

an openness and trust within the

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relationship allows us to receive,

um, openly what they have to teach us.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: It reminds, for

some reason, the image of A sail or a

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sailboat came to my head as you were

talking, but, you know, we aren't, we

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can't always control the winds or the,

the, the inputs, but so often these

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tools that we're developing allow,

get, they're giving us better sales and

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better, better means of, of adjusting

them and navigating so that we can.

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We're not steered off course.

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Sure.

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There might be winds and it might be

hard, but we're still moving forward.

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Um, and it's, it may just take some

adjusting in the way that we kind of react

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or, um, anticipate what's coming at us.

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And I love what you said about

the intergenerational aspect.

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I think, and for me, that often, it

also often means knowing when it,

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when I don't have to speak, I think

there's a, a little, and maybe in

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the last 10 years, especially, but,

uh, a lot of emphasis on speaking,

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you're, you know, speaking up and, and.

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Using your voice.

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And I think that's so important and

imperative, especially for women.

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Uh, at the same time, I also know that at

least for, for the health of my wellbeing

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and my relationships, um, I don't say

everything right when I'm thinking it.

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In the tone that I'm thinking it like,

because that's, you know, I think that's

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sort of the lesson of diplomacy is you can

make your point, but that doesn't mean you

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have to make your point in an angry voice

with the words that first come to you.

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In the moment, you might be able to

take a breath, take a step back, re

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compose, and have that conversation

in a much more effective way, and

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maybe get more of what you want, um,

without making the other person angry.

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Or antagonistic, et cetera.

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Um, and that's, that's kind of

something I know I had to adjust and,

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and learn and see as a value in all

of the conversations and, you know,

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dynamics that involve speaking up.

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Irene Uy: I love that you shared that.

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Um, because what's, uh, what what's

coming up for me is that we, you know,

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we cannot hold the previous generation to

the standards we hold ourselves to now.

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Right?

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Because pre predo, predominantly

the way to, um, exercise our power

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and feel confident is to speak up.

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Um, but that wasn't the

case in their generation.

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So it it, it has been a learning curve

for me as well to understand, hey, what.

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What is it like, you know,

from your side of the fence?

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Because in order for me to understand,

to truly understand you and communicate

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with you and, and be open to receiving the

lessons that you're trying to teach me, I

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need to see things from your perspective.

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Because there is value in,

in your experiences, right?

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That we might lose in the

next generations to come if we

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don't have these conversations.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.

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So yeah.

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What is one, you know, I, we've

touched on so much good goodness

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around like intergenerational

conversations and authority figures.

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What is one small shift that you

might encourage someone listening to

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try if they're struggling with These

conversations, they're struggling at

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the workplace and they're seeing maybe

that they're locking up when their boss

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is around or, um, if there's workplace

friction, they're the ones always trying

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to make things better and not necessarily

in a good way, in a way that's, uh,

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maybe self defeatist or what, so what's,

what's one small but powerful shift

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you might encourage someone to try?

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Irene Uy: I'm also thinking about

this right now because I know that,

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um, the shift is gradual, right?

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Um, there's not an on off switch

and suddenly you're like, hey,

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you can speak up for yourself.

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Um, I think, uh, a very good place

to start would be thinking that

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not everyone is out to get you.

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Because that's the, that's the recurring

message that keeps on playing in my head,

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like a, you know, like a, like a tape,

um, that, that, that feeds into the fear.

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So not everyone is out to get you.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: That's good.

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Uh, that reminds me of, uh, just a

parent, I think it's parenting, but

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also negotiations, but like, not only

is this person not out to get you, it's

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not you against me, it's us against.

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This issue, whether it's, I think

I deserve more money or we have

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a client that's unhappy or like

at home with my kids, like we.

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You want one thing.

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I have trouble with it.

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How can we meet in the middle somewhere?

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It's like, it's us against the problem.

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Um, and I think, like you said, that not

everyone is out to get you mentality can

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help, can help shift into that mindset

of collaboration, um, in a efficient way.

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Irene Uy: Yeah.

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Carmelita (Cat) Tiu:

Oh, I love that, Irene.

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Uh, so yeah, we covered a lot today.

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Uh, clearly it's, it's apparent how

our relationships with our parents

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can manifest in the workplace and,

and, you know, those, those childhood

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authority dynamics don't just disappear.

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Um, so I would encourage listeners.

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And you to ask yourselves, have you ever

felt tension with authority, but you

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couldn't quite put your finger on why?

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And if so, remember, you're not alone.

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Think about it.

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Uh, if you have any questions or you have

questions for us, we love to hear stories.

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We love to, uh, interact

with, with the listeners.

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So do check out our website and feel free

to reach out to us in that way, or look

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us up on Instagram at the coaches in.

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Um, and just remember,

this is just the beginning.

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Hit follow, stay with us as we

unpack more about family, leadership,

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and breaking old patterns.

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Irene Uy: Thanks for

listening to The Coach Is In.

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If something from today's episode make you

stop and think, or even roll your eyes,

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don't worry, that's part of the process.

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If you're curious to hear more, hit

follow, leave a review, or share this

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episode with someone who gets it.

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Remember, we're not promising

perfect answers, but every small

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shift can make a big difference.

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Until next time, take care of yourself.

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The coach is in, and

this space is for you.

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About the Podcast

The Coach Is In
the podcast for parent-leaders who are carrying it all: careers, kids, family, and the invisible weight no one seems to see.
Meet your hosts, Cat and Irene.

Irene is a certified leadership coach on a mission to break intergenerational cycles and bridge generational gaps. The way we lead at home doesn’t just shape our families—it seeps into how we show up at work. Irene brings the perspective of a daughter to the parent-leader challenges we’re unpacking here.

Cat is a coach, lawyer and mom who works with high-achieving moms and service-oriented women like her—women who are burning bright but sometimes burning out. Together, we’re diving deep into the messy, beautiful balancing act of leading your family, leaning into your work and living your life without losing yourself in the process.

So, if you’ve ever wondered, “How can I show up for my family AND take care of myself?” or “When is it time to let go of old patterns that don’t serve me?”—we’ve got you. Because the coach is in—and this space is for you.