What's Your Relationship with Authority?
In this episode, Irene and Cat delve into how early experiences with authority figures influence workplace behavior, leading to fear, people-pleasing, and self-doubt. They share personal stories and strategies to recognize and reshape these patterns for healthier professional relationships.
Content Highlights:
[00:00:00] – Introduction to the episode's theme: authority in personal and professional contexts.
[00:02:15] – Irene's realization of how her fear of authority stems from childhood experiences.
[00:06:30] – Discussion on how upbringing shapes perceptions of authority and leadership.
[00:12:45] – Exploration of people-pleasing behaviors at work and their origins.
[00:18:20] – Irene shares strategies she employed to build confidence and set boundaries.
[00:24:10] – The importance of self-awareness in identifying and altering unhelpful patterns.
[00:30:05] – Coaching tips for listeners to recognize and manage their reactions to authority figures
About the show:
The Coach is In is a podcast for parent-leaders who are carrying it all: careers, kids, family, and the invisible weight no one seems to see.
Meet your hosts, Cat and Irene. Irene is an ICF certified leadership coach on a mission to break intergenerational cycles and bridge generational gaps. Cat is a coach who works with high-achieving moms and service-oriented women like her—women who are burning bright but sometimes burning out. Together, we’re diving deep into the messy, beautiful balancing act of leading your family, leaning into your work and living your life without losing yourself in the process.
From calming your nervous system when the overwhelm hits, to navigating tough conversations at home or work, to finally finding boundaries that actually stick—this space is for YOU.
Each episode, we’ll bring practical tools, real-life stories, and honest conversations to help you move from burned out to lit up.
So, if you’ve ever wondered, “How can I show up for my family AND take care of myself?” or “When is it time to let go of old patterns that don’t serve me?”—we’ve got you.
Follow the podcast and feel free to connect with us at:
Email: thecoachisinpodcast@gmail.com
IG: @thecoachisinpodcast
Transcript
Welcome to the coach is in the podcast for parent leaders who are
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:juggling work, family, and life, and
wondering if there's actually a way
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:to do it all without falling apart.
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:I'm Irene, a leadership coach on
the mission to bridge generational
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:gaps and bring fresh perspectives.
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:To the challenges parent leaders face.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: And I'm Kat, a
coach, lawyer, and mom who's been there,
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:navigating the tightrope of leadership
at home, at work, and figuring out
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:what's actually worth the energy.
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:If you're skeptical that balance, calm, or
boundaries are even possible, we get it.
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:We're not here for quick
fixes or empty advice.
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:We're here to have honest conversations,
share practical tools, and maybe
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:even help you see things differently.
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:Because the coach is in,
and this space is for you.
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:In today's episode, we talk about
how Irene's childhood experiences
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:shaped her view on authority and how
this played out in the workplace.
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:So some of you may have found
yourselves reacting to your boss in a
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:way that feels maybe oddly familiar.
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:Uh, perhaps you shut down when you
were challenged or you go above
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:and beyond just to avoid conflict.
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:It turns out the way we were raised to
see authority doesn't just disappear
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:really when we step into the workplace.
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:It follows us.
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:And Irene is going to tell us a little bit
about herself as well as how authority was
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:modeled for her when she was growing up.
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:Irene Uy: You know, it's interesting that,
um, just mention the mention of the word
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:authority already feels, um, there's a
negative connotation to it already, right?
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:Um, and, and this matters because, uh, I
believe that leadership starts at home.
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:It's very, it's modeled for us at
the very early stages and the way we
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:perceive authority are, um, based on the
primary authority figures in our lives.
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:And that would be, you know, primarily
our parents and perhaps, uh, teachers.
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:And then bosses when you
go into the workplace.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.
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:It's so true.
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:I, I get that same little like hair on the
back of my neck standing up when, when I
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:hear the, the term authority and I, it's
funny you mentioned, I'm not sure I ever
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:really would have said this is a term that
has a negative spin, but just my physical
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:reaction to it definitely makes me.
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:Me feel that way.
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:So, um, your experiences, tell us
a little bit about that and how
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:that shaped, like, what was your
perception of authority as a result?
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:Irene Uy: You know, I wasn't actually,
you know, similar to you, I wasn't
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:aware that that's how I felt about
authority either because, um, until I,
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:uh, worked on observing myself and how.
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:I was performing at work or what
my behaviors were towards, um,
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:you know, a simple, the simple
presence of an authority figure.
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:Um, I did not know that it was fear
that I was feeling predominantly, right.
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:It can escape us like that
awareness can escape us.
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:And so, um, When I started working on
my self development, actually it started
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:in therapy, right, um, I became aware
that, hey, the way that I sometimes
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:view my bosses is very similar to the
way that I view, viewed my father.
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:Um, because early on in childhood, um,
and, and I think a lot of like, um,
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:adults, um, can relate to this because
we were raised by a generation that
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:didn't exactly have the tools, um,
that we do, that we have now, right?
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:And, and so I can relate this to,
uh, an intergenerational cycle
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:because, um, if I was raised by a,
uh, strict, uh, Controlling father,
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:and this is not to single him out.
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:I'm pretty sure that there's a
lot of us can relate to this.
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:And, you know, I view him from a lens
of compassion as well, because I'm
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:pretty sure like he was also raised
by, um, my grandfather, who probably,
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:um, Shared a similar way of parenting
style, maybe even worse, right?
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:Because like older generations
tell us often that they've had
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:it worse, and I believe that.
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:So what we're trying to do here is to
raise our awareness so that we break
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:the cycle, not necessarily to change
the people from the older generations,
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:but to start healing within ourselves.
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:Um, we become aware of, um, How our past
has affected us so that we don't, um,
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:take that with us in the new generation
and even in our present, right?
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:So, um, how, how does fear, um,
affect your performance at work
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:or how people view you at work
if you're fearful of authority?
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:Right, and a lot of people can mask, um,
their fear in the workplace and still
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:perform really well, but that doesn't
mean that we're not fearful nonetheless.
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:so much.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.
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:Yeah, I like the use of the term mask
because I think a lot of, a lot of us,
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:especially women are, we learn how to
cope and how to navigate the workplace
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:by, um, like fake it till you make it.
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:You know, and, and pretending that
everything's fine on the surface
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:because if we don't, then those
emotions might come back to haunt us
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:in some way where folks might think
that we're, uh, emotionally unstable
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:or that we can't hack it or we're, um,
too sensitive, whatever it might be.
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:Uh, so yeah, that, that idea of kind
of, um, knowing that the fear can
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:live there even if it doesn't manifest
on the surface is, is very real.
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:After you became aware of this
pattern, you mentioned you went to
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:therapy and started unpacking this.
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:How did you start shifting your
relationship with authority?
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:Irene Uy: Why?
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:I think why is where I would start.
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:Um, because even though I was doing
really well at work, I mean, I was
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:negotiating million dollar deals and
I was doing really well with that
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:without, you know, um, I was an immigrant
here without any prior network or any
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:support system to, you know, rely on.
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:Um, and so I was, I was.
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:handling like negotiations, um,
high stake negotiations, right?
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:Um, and it, so it's not like
it, you can outwardly see that
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:I'm afraid of authority figures.
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:Um, but it manifests itself because when
it came time to finally negotiate for
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:myself, that's where I hit the, uh, uh,
you know, uh, a roadblock, like, How
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:come I can negotiate, um, deals, um,
in the multimillion dollar range, but
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:I can't seem to speak up for myself.
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:And it manifested itself in,
in decisions when it comes to
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:like, how to handle clients.
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:Like it would be my bosses who get to say,
even though I was the one who originated
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:the deal and I was the one who developed
the relationship with the client.
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:Um, and so the results of, of
those decisions made by my bosses
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:resulted in me not having repeat.
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:business with the clients anymore because,
uh, I, I think it was handled poorly.
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:I just didn't have a say in it.
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:Right.
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:So, so that's how it manifests.
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:That's how my fear
manifested in the workplace.
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:Um, uh, how did I shift, um, from
not speaking up to speaking up?
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:Um, a couple of, um, Techniques, right?
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:Like there's, um, visualization techniques
that my therapist helped me with.
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:Um, because when you think about
authority, they seem to be very
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:big and powerful in your head.
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:Um, but the truth is they're not, right?
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:Because they're humans, they're people.
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:It's just a conversation.
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:So my therapist helped me visualize,
the authority figure, to be similar
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:to say a cartoon character, so it
doesn't feel as scary and powerful.
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:Um, and the second way that I, um,
reframed, um, The idea of authority
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:and how I dealt with people who I
felt had authority over me was to
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:remember this is just a conversation
and they're also just humans.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: I like that.
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:I feel as if there's that in, um,
instinct to want to, Put an authority
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:figure on a pedestal and make it as
if they're somehow different, better,
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:superior, and, and sure, maybe workplace
hierarchies or titles might give that
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:impression, but to, to kind of level
set that a little bit by remembering
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:that, yeah, this is just another,
another human being, uh, can help.
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:Yeah.
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:Diffuse some of that tension.
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:Irene Uy: And I want to add that it's
not necessarily that your boss is
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:trying to, um, make you feel this way.
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:It's just inherent in us, right?
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:If, if, if this is the lens through
which we see the world, um, you know,
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:they could just be standing right next
to you and suddenly you might find
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:yourself like, um, people pleasing.
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:Um, I've heard of people who, uh,
just because they're in the presence
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:of their bosses, they start speaking
differently, almost like, Oh, like you
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:need something because you're next to me.
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:So you need something.
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:So I need to fulfill that need,
even though there, there was no
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:explicit mention of anything.
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:Right.
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:So, so it can exhibit
itself in those ways.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: What can you
think of an example of one way that
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:Once you had this realization, you did
start to show up differently at work
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:or with your authority, you know, the
authority figures in the workplace.
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:Irene Uy: Um, I finally,
uh, started speaking up.
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:Uh, I finally spoke up about wanting
my own team in my own territory.
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:Um, so, I, I think, I guess it's in a way.
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:That's how you grow in
the workplace, right?
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:Because if you, if you, if you're
fearful of the people who supposedly
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:have power over you, um, you would
never be able to step up for fear.
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:Oh, hey, what might they think?
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:And do they think that I'm,
uh, stepping on their toes?
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:It feels like it's finally taking
your power back, not not in the sense
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:that you, you mean anyone harm, but
you're just advocating for yourself.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah, yeah.
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:I think, um, this is reminding me
or bringing up for me a time when I
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:was, you know, in a, in a important
meeting with a lot of folks that had
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:way more seniority and different kind
of departments or different Thank you.
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:Areas, uh, at my organization and
something that helped me really calm
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:my nerves was reminding myself that we
were all in this for like a common goal
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:that they don't want to see me fail.
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:Like they, I'm lucky that I could honestly
say that about the people in the room, uh,
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:as opposed to like this authority figure
is undermining me or expecting me to, um,
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:like watching my every move with almost.
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:The expectation that I might not deliver.
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:Uh, so I think, depending on your
situation, sort of taking that 35, 000
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:foot view of, um, who these people are
and what you're commonly working towards.
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:Can help diffuse some of
that, uh, anxiety as well.
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:Like I, this may sound strange, but
I actually do this when I drive.
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:Sometimes if I get nervous driving in
traffic and there seems to be just,
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:you know, a lot of cars and I, I'm,
I'm not always a nervous driver, but
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:on occasion I, I can be, and when I
am, I always remind myself, no one
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:wants to, no one wants an accident.
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:So, yes, I might be worried that
an accident might happen, but
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:this doesn't mean the other people
are, are trying to make it happen.
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:Or so, so we're kind of in this together
in this, you know, yes, there's crazy
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:traffic and there's construction or
whatever that's making it hard, but.
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:Everyone is doing their best
to try to not hit each other.
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:And I think that that kind of concept
has helped me in the past with
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:authority figures as well, like that,
um, you know, we are all in, we're
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:all just trying to make our way in
the world and get a common end result.
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:Irene Uy: Yeah, I actually love that
story because it also reminded me of,
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:um, the power of slowing down, because
when you're a people pleaser, uh, and
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:when you're scared of authority, you
sort of learn to protect yourself by,
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:uh, assuming what the other might think.
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:What the other party might feel
and what they might need and what
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:you need to do in order to protect
yourself from their reaction, right?
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:But when you're on equal footing,
it's, um, a, when you slow down the
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:conversations and you say something,
you wait for the reaction as opposed
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:to negotiating with yourself,
because that's what people who are
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:fearful of authority often do, right?
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Yeah.
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:Yeah.
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:What's I'm curious, do
you have a tip for that?
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:empty space, how to navigate, how to
handle that, that dead air that can come
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:up in negotiations with authority figures.
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:Um, I just saw this on a
TV show at the night agent.
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:I was watching it and a guy was
asking for a raise and he said,
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:I'm thinking 10%, but I can see,
you know, business has been tough.
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:So maybe, maybe 5 percent is fine.
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:And actually you gave me some time
off so, so I could live with 3%.
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:Like that, that was all without
his boss having said anything.
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:He was so uncomfortable and unsure that
he just negotiated against himself.
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:So I'm curious if you have any like hacks.
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:For, for managing that empty space
that can feel really uncomfortable.
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:Irene Uy: I love, I love that question.
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:Um, silence is good.
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:I think we have to reframe that.
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:Silence is good.
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:Um, breathe.
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:I think first and foremost, breathe,
because Oftentimes when we feel
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:uncomfortable, there's these
negative emotions that come up.
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:So we really need to regulate
ourselves to be calm and breathing.
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:I find is the best way to do that because
it buys you time and it takes your mind
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:away from what's right in front of you.
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:Well, like giving you the space
to pay attention, to receive
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:information back because you just
threw something out there, right?
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:So now is the time for you
to receive information back.
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:And even if nothing is said.
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:From the other party, verbally, there's
a lot of, um, body language cues that
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:you can pick up from just receiving.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.
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:But those are great reminders.
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:Good tips.
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:I, I almost feel like if I'm telling
my daughter someday how to go into a
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:work, you know, salary negotiation, I'm
going to mandate that after they say the
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:number that they have to take three deep
breaths or, or at least, you know, three
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:breaths, something like that to, so that
it gives the other person that space it,
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:and it allows them that time to receive.
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:Um, I, I think you're right.
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:That's so many times people go into
it without thinking about what.
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:What the moments immediately after
should look like and and just that
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:reminder to you have to breathe like
do not speak unless you've You given
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:yourself at least three breaths.
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:Like this is not the time to keep talking
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:Irene Uy: And yeah, sorry, we're
getting into negotiations now.
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:But this is this is exciting for me
because I think it's a challenge that and
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:the life skill that everyone has to have.
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:Staying present is
imperative in negotiations.
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:And that's something that we
work We work on as coaches for
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:ourselves and also for our clients.
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:And I think it's underrated because
when you go into negotiations, it's
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:all about your presence and how
sharp you are and how intuitive
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:you are in this moment, right?
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:When we go into negotiations, um, the
best way that I have found effective
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:for me was not to have, um, uh, an
outcome in mind because with negotiations
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:are really just a conversation
back and forth and my openness to
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:what the outcome would be actually
makes the negotiation even better.
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:I did not know that I would get
a better deal than what I had,
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:um, walked, uh, um, walked into.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Negotiate.
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:Yeah.
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:I just wrote down reframe or, or sort of
read, maybe recalibrate your expectations
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:of negotiations so that there isn't.
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:And, uh, specific outcome is what
I'm hearing and staying open to.
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:Irene Uy: Yeah, it takes away the
pressure of like, Oh, I have to get this
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:done by the end of the conversation.
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:Cause no, sometimes you have to
meet the person where they are and,
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:uh, stick with your boundaries.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: I'm wondering
how do these, so you've walked us
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:through kind of the recognition of
your parental relationship and how
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:that reflects in your workplace, uh,
relationship with figures of authority.
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:Once you made these realizations
and started implementing in the
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:workplace, did, was there also
a parallel kind of relationship?
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:Similar evolution on the personal front
with the authority with my dad only.
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:Irene Uy: Um, I thank you
for asking that question.
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:Um, I will, I will not say that, uh, uh,
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:I'm not going to paint a picture
of like, yes, you know, all of that
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:translated into my personal life
because I feel like, um, uh, this,
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:uh, progression of growth, uh, also
depends on, um, who you're dealing with.
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:Right.
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:So just because I'm dealing with, um,
this growth in the professional space.
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:Um, doesn't mean it would translate
immediately into the personal space
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:because I'm also dealing with a different
individual who might be on a different.
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:face in their growth.
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:Um, that said, like, um, I don't think
my dad and I had a lot of arguments at
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:that point, but, uh, I have tuned in.
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:channeled that energy into healing for
myself so that I can respond to my dad in
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:such a way that I'm no longer combative.
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:Um, because this, I guess this is where
the difference in, um, your personal
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:life and your professional life lies
in that this is, At the end of the
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:day, a personal relationship, right?
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:It is family.
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:I'm not negotiating with my, my dad.
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:Um, but the best I could hope for is
to improve my relationship with him,
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:to improve my communication in such
a way that, hey, I can assert myself
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:without making you feel uncomfortable.
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:Negatively about yourself
or the relationship?
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:Mm-hmm
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:.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm-hmm . And I, I, that resonates with me as well.
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:Uh, similarly have had, uh, issues
with some of the ways that my dad
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:emotionally showed up or was, or wasn't
available as, as I was growing up.
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:But I like a carry on to the being
able to show up in a certain way.
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:I also think that.
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:Recognizing these dynamics and how
they impact us has helped me absorb the
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:things that he does in a different way.
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:I won't get emotionally
dysregulated in the same way.
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:I am not triggered in the same way.
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:Um, having spent time doing the work to
kind of give him grace and understand
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:where my boundaries are and, uh, knowing.
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:What that can look like, uh, in a
way that works for me that also can
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:allow him and our relationship to
move forward in a productive way.
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:Irene Uy: Yes.
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:Um, yeah, yeah, I love that.
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:And I think we don't give enough, um,
emphasis on, on, um, What, uh, the effects
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:of a good relationship is with, you know,
your parents or your grandparents, because
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:I do believe that every generation has
wisdom to impart to the next generation.
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:And I think we, we, we lose that if
we don't have, um, these relationships
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:and these connections with, um, people
of different generations, right.
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:And so to have, um, a good, um,
an openness and trust within the
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:relationship allows us to receive,
um, openly what they have to teach us.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: It reminds, for
some reason, the image of A sail or a
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:sailboat came to my head as you were
talking, but, you know, we aren't, we
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:can't always control the winds or the,
the, the inputs, but so often these
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:tools that we're developing allow,
get, they're giving us better sales and
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:better, better means of, of adjusting
them and navigating so that we can.
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:We're not steered off course.
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:Sure.
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:There might be winds and it might be
hard, but we're still moving forward.
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:Um, and it's, it may just take some
adjusting in the way that we kind of react
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:or, um, anticipate what's coming at us.
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:And I love what you said about
the intergenerational aspect.
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:I think, and for me, that often, it
also often means knowing when it,
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:when I don't have to speak, I think
there's a, a little, and maybe in
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:the last 10 years, especially, but,
uh, a lot of emphasis on speaking,
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:you're, you know, speaking up and, and.
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:Using your voice.
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:And I think that's so important and
imperative, especially for women.
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:Uh, at the same time, I also know that at
least for, for the health of my wellbeing
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:and my relationships, um, I don't say
everything right when I'm thinking it.
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:In the tone that I'm thinking it like,
because that's, you know, I think that's
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:sort of the lesson of diplomacy is you can
make your point, but that doesn't mean you
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:have to make your point in an angry voice
with the words that first come to you.
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:In the moment, you might be able to
take a breath, take a step back, re
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:compose, and have that conversation
in a much more effective way, and
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:maybe get more of what you want, um,
without making the other person angry.
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:Or antagonistic, et cetera.
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:Um, and that's, that's kind of
something I know I had to adjust and,
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:and learn and see as a value in all
of the conversations and, you know,
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:dynamics that involve speaking up.
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:Irene Uy: I love that you shared that.
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:Um, because what's, uh, what what's
coming up for me is that we, you know,
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:we cannot hold the previous generation to
the standards we hold ourselves to now.
349
:Right?
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:Because pre predo, predominantly
the way to, um, exercise our power
351
:and feel confident is to speak up.
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:Um, but that wasn't the
case in their generation.
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:So it it, it has been a learning curve
for me as well to understand, hey, what.
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:What is it like, you know,
from your side of the fence?
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:Because in order for me to understand,
to truly understand you and communicate
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:with you and, and be open to receiving the
lessons that you're trying to teach me, I
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:need to see things from your perspective.
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:Because there is value in,
in your experiences, right?
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:That we might lose in the
next generations to come if we
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:don't have these conversations.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: Mm hmm.
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:So yeah.
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:What is one, you know, I, we've
touched on so much good goodness
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:around like intergenerational
conversations and authority figures.
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:What is one small shift that you
might encourage someone listening to
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:try if they're struggling with These
conversations, they're struggling at
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:the workplace and they're seeing maybe
that they're locking up when their boss
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:is around or, um, if there's workplace
friction, they're the ones always trying
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:to make things better and not necessarily
in a good way, in a way that's, uh,
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:maybe self defeatist or what, so what's,
what's one small but powerful shift
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:you might encourage someone to try?
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:Irene Uy: I'm also thinking about
this right now because I know that,
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:um, the shift is gradual, right?
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:Um, there's not an on off switch
and suddenly you're like, hey,
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:you can speak up for yourself.
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:Um, I think, uh, a very good place
to start would be thinking that
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:not everyone is out to get you.
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:Because that's the, that's the recurring
message that keeps on playing in my head,
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:like a, you know, like a, like a tape,
um, that, that, that feeds into the fear.
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:So not everyone is out to get you.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu: That's good.
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:Uh, that reminds me of, uh, just a
parent, I think it's parenting, but
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:also negotiations, but like, not only
is this person not out to get you, it's
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:not you against me, it's us against.
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:This issue, whether it's, I think
I deserve more money or we have
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:a client that's unhappy or like
at home with my kids, like we.
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:You want one thing.
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:I have trouble with it.
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:How can we meet in the middle somewhere?
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:It's like, it's us against the problem.
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:Um, and I think, like you said, that not
everyone is out to get you mentality can
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:help, can help shift into that mindset
of collaboration, um, in a efficient way.
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:Irene Uy: Yeah.
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:Carmelita (Cat) Tiu:
Oh, I love that, Irene.
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:Uh, so yeah, we covered a lot today.
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:Uh, clearly it's, it's apparent how
our relationships with our parents
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:can manifest in the workplace and,
and, you know, those, those childhood
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:authority dynamics don't just disappear.
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:Um, so I would encourage listeners.
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:And you to ask yourselves, have you ever
felt tension with authority, but you
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:couldn't quite put your finger on why?
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:And if so, remember, you're not alone.
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:Think about it.
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:Uh, if you have any questions or you have
questions for us, we love to hear stories.
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:We love to, uh, interact
with, with the listeners.
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:So do check out our website and feel free
to reach out to us in that way, or look
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:us up on Instagram at the coaches in.
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:Um, and just remember,
this is just the beginning.
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:Hit follow, stay with us as we
unpack more about family, leadership,
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:and breaking old patterns.
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:Irene Uy: Thanks for
listening to The Coach Is In.
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:If something from today's episode make you
stop and think, or even roll your eyes,
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:don't worry, that's part of the process.
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:If you're curious to hear more, hit
follow, leave a review, or share this
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:episode with someone who gets it.
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:Remember, we're not promising
perfect answers, but every small
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:shift can make a big difference.
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:Until next time, take care of yourself.
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:The coach is in, and
this space is for you.
